on Monday, November 24, 2008 12:05 AM
I should be sleeping cos there's pre OBS training tomorrow.And I see that I'm going to die cos I lack sleep and I eat way too much.Anyway, I cried this morning during breakfast.My parents were telling me that I'm too involved in Council and stuff.I should be concentrating on my studies and blah.But the thing is, I'm like so inspired and motivated to do something for the Council and yet, there are trying to shatter my dreams. Freak me out totally.And I was already telling them that I'm not committing much in Guides and Mrs Pang is complaining about me so often. Tell me how am I supposed to handle this.So, I cried. Yeah. I cry over small things. But I dunno why they just cannot understand.Afterall, my parents didn't know how much I've benefited from the camp and how much I want to do better things. They want me to study real hard for the last year. And after that, they will let me do whatever I want.Sounds like a great deal. But NO! I dun want to give up on my things like that.So I cried. In a coffeeshop where dunno how many people were staring.I was frigging pissed off by how "demanding" they were by phrasing it indirectly that I should just stop committing myself into all these stuff.So I attitude them all the way till tuition. I didn't even say bye and just slammed the car door.I dun think they dared to scold me cos they knew I wasn't feeling good about this.But, tuition was not bad.Trigo is fun!For once, a maths love me.And I love a maths for that tiny weenie one time!Bused home and everything seemed okay.My bro was bunking in with my counsin for the night so he's not at home.So my parents and I went out.Went to Orchard there and bought tickets for Cape No.7 before going to Golden Mile Complex there for Thai lunch and then went over to Army Market to get my camp stuff.The movie was quite okay though a little draggy.Had KFC for dinner! :DAnd then I cried again after reading some email from Shikin.Fish fish fish.Yah. Like what she said, they perhaps dun understand or what?Like hello, I'm just a student. I'm not some kind of superwomen who can do many great things at one go.If I'm like required and needed in every area, then I should just go to a museum and place myself for everyone to see how capable I am.I mean, really, stop comparing me to others.I've done what I can.If you find it so hard to accommodate me in this position, then perhaps just remove me.I dun want to end up having a phobia of going to school.I am already going to the extent of me thinking that I'm starting to lose my friends.For this past one month, there has been so many activities that I know I haven been attending guides meetings at all.But its not as if I pon or what right. I had super valid reasons for me not to attend.You cant expect me to run out of camps, just to attend meetings right.It's not as if I'm the only person in charge of the whole company.It's not as if I'm not there when you really need me.I'm of course, trying my best.I want to do changes, but in the end, I get comments of being too strict and stuff.And when I already want to go for the archery course for example, I was taken out due to unforseen circumstances. Then what can I do?Firstly, you said that you were worried about my studies.Then next, you dump me in some competition when people simply sabotaged me, and worst still, that wasn't my forte!Until I had to cry then you gave up.When I needed to have monthly meetings with the Principal and HODs, you complained too. What can I do? Scream at the teachers?I know I am really really slacking in Guides. I know I am certainly putting in much more effort in Council.But the thing is, so many people are telling me so many different things.My parents want me to concentrate on studies and tell me not to get involved in so many things.The Council still does require me to put in commitment because it's still new.Since Guides does not seem much of a problem from my point, then while I can take a break, why not just let me go?I tell my parents that it's pretty impossible, but they just tell me "NO! You should do this and that" then what do I do?Kill myself?Yah. I know I should be balancing things well enough and good enough to know how to manage my time but we only have 24 hours a day.I cant stand it when people tell me that they are bored or whatever and expects me to entertain them cos I'm not some kind of a circus clown who is there 24/7 to serve your entertainment needs.Outsiders also say that I'm so busy and tied down with things.Most of the time, I dun even have the energy to talk with my besties, not to say go out with them. I haven seen them for almost a month. And what I do is just to talk to them through MSN. And my parents are complaining that I'm spending too much time on the com.Why am I doing this to myself? I didn't mind having to do things, but now, if you as a teacher is trying to give me so much pressure,then I would feel like I'm deprived of having a good memories as a student.And what I would only have is just work work work.I dun think I need to face that now.I never thought I could have cried so much in 2 months.Labels: when my optimism gets me down to the bottom
SHERMIN